3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
her teeth looked like a whores toenails, i was too horrified to
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
Randomize
