hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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