We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
Randomize
