i already hear my dad disowning me
I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
it was like eating out sand paper
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
