my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
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