He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
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