my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
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