We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Randomize
