really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
is he the 3rd person to bang everyone in our group?
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
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