dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
No, I'm talking to this Chinese girl. Can't understand a word she's saying, but i think i caught the word vagina a few times.
i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
Randomize
