we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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