The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
Just watched Hilary Duff have a three-some on Gossip Girl...all I could imagine was that LIzzie Maguire cartoon girl freaking out above their heads
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
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