So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Randomize
