I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
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