If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
So squirting runs in the family.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Randomize
