have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
I checked into jail on foursquare
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
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