i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
gave him road head on the way to his grandparents house. purposely didn't let him finish, the sexual tension over turkey was indescribable.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
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