Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
Randomize
