I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
Randomize
