You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
I think I'm the first girl to break a bed with a guy, without even having sex with him while doing so.
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
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