Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
well it doesn't count as a walk of shame if he drops you off at your class in his golf cart
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
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