she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
