Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
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