i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
Randomize
