i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
