the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
