this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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