i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
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