She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
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