So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
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