i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Randomize
