I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
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