Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
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