You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Randomize
