Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
out of nowhere you said let us see your boobs, then proceeded to pull my shirt down.
i gets down
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
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