Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize