Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
the semester is winding down: time to procrastinate by googling cheap keg options
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
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