Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
