My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
Drunk is a universal language darling
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
