Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
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