I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
