My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
Randomize
