We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Randomize
