mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
Randomize
