i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
Randomize
