I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Randomize
