***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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