How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
Randomize