I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
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