I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Randomize
