Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
Randomize
