im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
There is what appears to be urine on the woman's bathroom sink. I just have so many questions right now.
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
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