its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
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