i'm signing you up for texting rehab
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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