I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
Randomize
