He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
Randomize
