i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
i would one night stand the shit outta him
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
Randomize
