I think my fart just growled at me.
So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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